February 22nd, 2017

Hell is Empty

more fat witches and wizards, please.

I have some HP related thoughts and questions, so I thought it was time for a post! It's been awhile since I've done one of these, and I miss it! I'm here today, because I want to know:

Why are there not more canonically fat witches and wizards?
(I say canon, because I know that fanon would make them all skinny anyway and/or not write about them in favor of the two peripheral thin, moody white boys that interact once, because heaven forbid we have to read about fat people fucking, but that is a post for another day. Sorry, I keep mixing up my rants. Also, not a dig at anybody, because god knows I'm guilty of it as well.)

Now, I'm not even talking about this from a ratio/population diversity perspective (we've already seen that race-wise and sexuality-wise the HP characters are not the most diverse group of characters, and since fat people are reviled in different ways, I can't really expect any different there). And I'm not even coming at it from a body-positive perspective (though, yeah, of course, I'm here for that). Mostly, I'm wondering from a purely biological point of view, how are the majority of wizards not overweight?

The Case:
  1. If you know the right spells, you can theoretically cook the most delicious of foods in a fraction of the time. Are wizards really using their mad skillz to steam broccoli? Some, probably. But most? That seems unlikely. I don't think broccoli was mentioned once in the books. Wizards hate broccoli. #fact

  2. I know JKR could hardly mention everything that people do during their normal day in her books, but like, did anybody ever exercise even once in the books? The only sport we see is people flying around on brooms, which definitely would work out some muscles, but I'm not super convinced it's really a cardio activity. There doesn't appear to be any kind of physical education class at Hogwarts. Nobody was making them run laps around the great lake or do some crunches in the great hall. And there definitely wasn't mention of a exercise room or gymnasium for the resident jocks to get their lift on. Seeing as how Harry was a member of literally the only physical sport mentioned, surely he would have at least known of the gym if there was one at Hogwarts?

  3. Freaking magic, people. I just feel like it would be really hard not to be lazy if you have magic. Walk 30 minutes into work? Why not just take the Floo? Clean your flat? That's what spells are for! Help your friend move? With your powers (literally) combined, you can have that shit packed up and sent off without breaking a sweat. So much of the daily bits of exercise that you get in throughout the day would not longer happen. I mean, sure, it's not like wizards never walk anywhere or do things by hand. But for those who grew up with magic, I'd imagine they use it a lot, and yeah, maybe they'll still walk through Diagon on a sunny day, but I bet they are also 1000% more likely to Apparate to that meeting across town when it's raining, instead of being forced to hoof it like us mere Muggles. Yes, for the students, Hogwarts is described as massive with lots of stairs, so maybe that's enough exercise for most of the kids. But they aren't spending the rest of their lives tromping around castles to get their daily 10,000 steps in.

So. We've got a bunch of people who can cook delicious and probably fattening food in a fraction of the time, who probably get less daily exercise than the average Muggle, living in a world in which making time specifically to exercise has never been mentioned, and at least doesn't seem to be as ingrained in the society as it is in Western Muggle culture. Sure, people like Aurors who have active jobs will probably be in shape, but all those paper pushers at the Ministry? All those undisciplined children who have unending access to feasts on a daily basis? Of course, I do imagine traversing the castle burns quite a lot of calories, but still.

Of course, there's always the possibility that having magic is like having a metabolism on steroids, and all the extra energy burns through calories quicker. I actually really like this idea BUT I don't think there's been any kind of mention of that in canon. Could be true. Could be a solution that happens to make sense but was not at all intentional. Could be false.

Anyway, this got a little rambly, a little away from me, clearly. But basically, it just really makes sense to me for there to be more fat wizards and witches. Like, more than average even. Hogwarts students basically live on Honeydukes chocolate and fucking biscuits and sausages and treacle tart, and you're telling me there are like 5 "chubby" kids, and 3 of them are in Slytherin? (Also, don't even get me started on how the fat characters in HP are almost always portrayed in a negative, or at least not a positive light: Dudley, Vernon, Crabbe, Goyle, Millicent, Umbridge, Slughorn, to name a few. Even Neville is kind of a bumbling, if well intentioned, fool at the beginning of the series when he's chubby. But don't worry. He eventually loses the weight and OMG, look at that, he's upgraded to become a full-fledged member of the Scooby Gang at the same time. Not bitter. Molly is really the only one I can think of in a more positive light, and even she was described at one point as "dumpy". WOW. /rant)

Thoughts? Rebuttals? Agreements? Do wizards have to worry about their blood sugar or cholesterol? Should I eat this cookie? Did any of this make any kind of sense? Inquiring minds want to know.