wicked smut goddess (gracerene) wrote,
wicked smut goddess

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so, I did a thing.

Ever since I was little, I've always sort of created stories in my head that I would think about whenever I was bored to pass the time. Since discovering the joys of slash, I started doing this with my different OTPs. With H/D I have sort of two 'verses that I "develop" when I'm trying to fall asleep or running at the gym etc. I don't really plan out a plot, since I change things so much in my head, but it's sort of like the background notes of a story. Like, one of the ideas is Epilogue-compliant, and I don't know all the details of how they get together, but I've worked out certain conversations, and the general timeline of their lives since the war, and their relationships with other characters.

Anyways, I've been considering lately that it would be kind of cool to try and develop them into fics, but I know I am definitely not at the point where I have the writing capability to pull that off. I've honestly always struggled with creative writing, and it's been a long time since I've really had to write anything at all really.

So I have been sort of thinking about writing fanfic in the abstract. In a "maybe I will do that someday" kind of way. A week ago, I came across this concept/idea thingy, that had these 50 prompts. And...IDK I felt weirdly inspired/motivated. I immediately had ~ideas~ and I figured that maybe I should give things a go, see if I could even actually translate a prompt into an idea into words and sentences and whatnot.

So I did. I figured I would shoot for a 500 word PWP basically, and I ended up with 2k. I thought I would have the hardest time just getting words on the page, but it wasn't terrible and the process was weirdly enjoyable. And just to prove to myself that it wasn't a total fluke I did it with another prompt, 5 times.

And now I have 6 ficlets and I feel super conflicted and vaguely nauseated. How do you guys do this?

It's like watching American Idol. You see these terrible singers, and they legitimately believe they have amazing voices. And you wonder, how on earth do they not realize? But I am reading back over my ~things~ and I cannot even tell. Part of me is like, "Yeah, this isn't half bad" but then I start thinking that it's obviously terrible and the characterizations are crap and I'm doing too much telling and it's just a mess. What even are words?

I might not even post this, because I kind of just want to bury them in a corner and pretend it never, ever happened (like the unfortunate corn-rows incident of '03, I did not pull those off).

It's a vicious cycle, because I hate being bad at things, but I can't really tell if I'm that bad. So somebody needs to look at them and tell me what hey think, but I really only want that to happen, if they are going to (honestly) think they are fabulous, which, like I said above, I really don't know.

I'm really not an indecisiveness person, and I am fairly confident and really don't give a fuck about most peoples opinions. So the fact that I'm basically paralyzed with indecision is super weird, and it's freaking me out even more.

I do not know what I am going to do, but I kind of just wanted to vomit up all of my feels (you're welcome for the visual), because sometimes that helps.

Here, have an artistically lit NSFW gay porn gif, or this NSFW black and white one, or this mildly NSFW gifset of some pretty hot snogging/frottage.

Man, I just want to give you creators on my f-list ALL THE KUDOS, because this is already a terrifying experience and I can't even believe ya'll do this all the time. You create all these fabulous things for free, and you open yourselves up for criticism and nasty anons being dicks and it's not an easy thing, putting this piece of yourself out there knowing it's going to be judged and evaluated. You guys are awesome and brave, and I'm super happy that I get to roll around in all the pretty. ♥
Tags: *f-locked, fandom, my fanfic, personal, personal: freaking out, personal: writing
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