so, I did a thing.

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14 October 2014 @ 10:00 am

so, I did a thing.

Ever since I was little, I've always sort of created stories in my head that I would think about whenever I was bored to pass the time. Since discovering the joys of slash, I started doing this with my different OTPs. With H/D I have sort of two 'verses that I "develop" when I'm trying to fall asleep or running at the gym etc. I don't really plan out a plot, since I change things so much in my head, but it's sort of like the background notes of a story. Like, one of the ideas is Epilogue-compliant, and I don't know all the details of how they get together, but I've worked out certain conversations, and the general timeline of their lives since the war, and their relationships with other characters.

Anyways, I've been considering lately that it would be kind of cool to try and develop them into fics, but I know I am definitely not at the point where I have the writing capability to pull that off. I've honestly always struggled with creative writing, and it's been a long time since I've really had to write anything at all really.

So I have been sort of thinking about writing fanfic in the abstract. In a "maybe I will do that someday" kind of way. A week ago, I came across this concept/idea thingy, that had these 50 prompts. And...IDK I felt weirdly inspired/motivated. I immediately had ~ideas~ and I figured that maybe I should give things a go, see if I could even actually translate a prompt into an idea into words and sentences and whatnot.

So I did. I figured I would shoot for a 500 word PWP basically, and I ended up with 2k. I thought I would have the hardest time just getting words on the page, but it wasn't terrible and the process was weirdly enjoyable. And just to prove to myself that it wasn't a total fluke I did it with another prompt, 5 times.

And now I have 6 ficlets and I feel super conflicted and vaguely nauseated. How do you guys do this?

It's like watching American Idol. You see these terrible singers, and they legitimately believe they have amazing voices. And you wonder, how on earth do they not realize? But I am reading back over my ~things~ and I cannot even tell. Part of me is like, "Yeah, this isn't half bad" but then I start thinking that it's obviously terrible and the characterizations are crap and I'm doing too much telling and it's just a mess. What even are words?

I might not even post this, because I kind of just want to bury them in a corner and pretend it never, ever happened (like the unfortunate corn-rows incident of '03, I did not pull those off).

It's a vicious cycle, because I hate being bad at things, but I can't really tell if I'm that bad. So somebody needs to look at them and tell me what hey think, but I really only want that to happen, if they are going to (honestly) think they are fabulous, which, like I said above, I really don't know.

I'm really not an indecisiveness person, and I am fairly confident and really don't give a fuck about most peoples opinions. So the fact that I'm basically paralyzed with indecision is super weird, and it's freaking me out even more.

I do not know what I am going to do, but I kind of just wanted to vomit up all of my feels (you're welcome for the visual), because sometimes that helps.

Here, have an artistically lit NSFW gay porn gif, or this NSFW black and white one, or this mildly NSFW gifset of some pretty hot snogging/frottage.

Man, I just want to give you creators on my f-list ALL THE KUDOS, because this is already a terrifying experience and I can't even believe ya'll do this all the time. You create all these fabulous things for free, and you open yourselves up for criticism and nasty anons being dicks and it's not an easy thing, putting this piece of yourself out there knowing it's going to be judged and evaluated. You guys are awesome and brave, and I'm super happy that I get to roll around in all the pretty. ♥

Tags: *f-locked, fandom, my fanfic, personal, personal: freaking out, personal: writing

Current Mood:

nauseated

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eidheann_writes on October 14th, 2014 05:10 pm (UTC)

Yay you!

Putting stuff out there is terrifying. I've not hit a point where it's become any less terrifying, but I've not been doing this for terribly long either, so it may get easier. Eventually.

As for your perspective, it's not there. Period. You can't judge your own work with ANY sense of objectivity when you're still that close to it. It takes months. Sometimes 2, sometimes 6, sometimes more. Sometimes you look at it and go "ugh no" years later. And sometimes people REALLY LIKE the stuff you think is crap even years later and you wonder wtf is wrong with you.

Find someone you trust and ask for a second opinion. Not just to be honest, but to be honest in the way that you most need. Do you need encouragement? Do you need gentle concrit? Firm concrit? Someone outside your head is SO SO SO SO helpful for everything, not just the weird word choices and word skipping and this makes sense in my head but not anywehre outside of it way, but in the "I am too close and I honestly can't tell if this is even WORKING" way.

*huuugs*

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:49 pm (UTC)

Definitely glad to see it's not just me with a complete inability to judge my own writing.

I think figuring out what kind of concrit I need is the next hard step. And I know I definitely need another set of eyes. You said it perfectly!

Thanks, hon! {{{{hugs backs}}}}

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eidheann_writes on October 14th, 2014 07:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)

firethesound on October 14th, 2014 05:41 pm (UTC)

What Eidheann said. You're never going to be objective about your own work, especially not this soon after having written it. Find someone you trust to be honest with you and get them to give you feedback.

This: Part of me is like, "Yeah, this isn't half bad" but then I start thinking that it's obviously terrible and the characterizations are crap and I'm doing too much telling and it's just a mess. What even are words? ...made me laugh, because I absolutely could have written this myself about my own writing, and I'm pretty sure most other writers would agree. What are words indeed! XD But writing is a skill just like any other, and the only way to get better at it is to practice. And over time you do get better about being able to tell the difference between when you're actually writing crap and when you're just being ridiculous about it. Still not perfect, because objectivity and all, but better. <3

And yeah, it's terrifying, and it gets less terrifying over time, but the scariness never goes away entirely. (Wine helps. Wine helps a lot.) Writing is such an intimate thing, because your story came out of your brain and letting other people read it is like giving them a little glimpse into your mind. But fandom people are so incredibly nice and supportive, and I hope you choose to share with us because I'd love to read your stuff. But if you want to keep it to yourself for a while or even if you never choose to share, that's fine too. Fandom writing should be fun, and it's all about doing what makes YOU happy. I hope you'll keep writing, though. <3 ::squishes you::

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:18 pm (UTC)

Man, one of my (many) problems is that I hate being bad at things, and I'm impatient about getting better. When I first started learning Spanish, all I could think about is how much I just wanted to be speaking fluently in rapid-fire Spanish and it was such a drag knowing that it wouldn't happen overnight. But I do think it's easy to forget that writing is a learn-able skill, especially when you only see somebody else's finished product and not everything that went into creating it.

But wine! Wine I can do. I have lots of wine. :D

Thanks, hon!! ♥ ♥

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eidheann_writes on October 14th, 2014 05:59 pm (UTC)

^^ This is much better stated than I said...

BE HONEST with what you're asking for. This fandom is SO SO loving and SO SO supportive. We will ALWAYS want you to succeed and that is much more likely if you get what you need.

If you need baby'ing and hand-holding, be honest with that. There's nothing wrong with it, it just changes the way you will work with problems. If you want someone to rip in and SPAG you mercilessly, you can be honest with that too.

Some readers aren't going to be comfortable being mean betas. Some aren't good at hand-holding. Neither is wrong, and neither is personal. But no one wants to give you a firm beta when you're needing handholding, because that's just going to make you miserable, and make them feel guilty.

(I've had several people beta for me, I've beta'd for several people. Sometimes we work well together, sometimes we work together once and never again. It's just finding the best way to do the best job everyone can do.)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)

lauren3210 on October 14th, 2014 05:46 pm (UTC)

Yay go you, that is fantastic! Even if you end up not putting them out there for other people to see, getting the words in your head down onto paper/screen is still a huge achievement, you should feel proud of yourself regardless! <333

I've been writing fic for nearly 5 years now, and believe me, it never gets any easier. Out of all the stories I've written, I have about 2 that I can stand to reread without cringing, because as soon as a story is done, I am always certain that it's crap, haha! I guess it just depends on the type of person you are; some people have enough confidence to see their work for what it is, others have wayyyyy too much confidence and others undersell themselves, lol.

As to finding someone to read over your stuff (if you ever decide you want to do that) I agree with eidheann_writes; ask someone you trust, someone who can give you honest advice without being too abrasive about it (and I'm always here if you fancy asking me, but I'd never assume that you'd want to!).

Whatever you decide though, I think that's still an awesome thing to have done, you rock! <3

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:34 pm (UTC)

Aww, thanks, hon!

And I definitely appreciate the offer (I may take you up on it). :D I always find it a bit awkward asking people to do things for you out of the blue.

♥

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lauren3210 on October 14th, 2014 06:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 08:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)

susannah_wilde on October 14th, 2014 05:49 pm (UTC)

You can do this!

I get this sick, twisted feeling all the time that everything I write is crap, to the point where I've dropped out of several fests as a result. I don't think it gets easier for me, but that's something I have to work on and one of the reasons I signed up for hp_concrit_fest.

But you! I love reading your recs and if your fics are anything like those, then I think you should certainly go for it. Don't freak out and good luck!

(like the unfortunate corn-rows incident of '03, I did not pull those off) :)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:25 pm (UTC)

Sick, twisted feeling is a perfect descriptor! Though good luck with concrit! That seems like a good battle plan.

Aww, thanks sweetie!

Re: the corn-rows, my family went to Mexico from a week and I was just looking at some photos. It was a dark time.

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anemonen on October 14th, 2014 05:52 pm (UTC)

Oh this is so exciting!!! Now I'm very curious about this :) Like the others said, find someone you trust to read them for you if you're unsure about posting it.

Posting is kind of scary, especially at first. When I first posted any of my art I didn't have any friends here so no one saw it :P So my first scary thing was really to add people. But people here are so, so nice and supportive, so you're never really going to get horrible comments. I usually operate on the "close your eyes and press post before you change your mind" method. Although, I sometimes think after, why did I post this? It's horrible! The face is lopsided/the arm's too thick etc.etc. And sometimes I end up unable to look at it again D: But I think it's worth it. And it's very inspiring to share and get feedback.

Good luck with it all!

And thanks for the porny gifs *stares*

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:29 pm (UTC)

Yeah, the fact that I actually have been interacting with my f-list for the past year almost makes me more nervous. Because it's not just random people on the internet, but people who I know and who are crazy talented and whose opinions I really value.

LOL, I was trying to distract myself from the nervousness by staring at cocks, so I figured I would share. ;)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:30 pm (UTC)

:D

I honestly don't know how you guys do it. I was wracked with nerves just making a post about writing. I'm sort of terrified to experience the nerves if I post the actual writing!

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amorette on October 14th, 2014 06:08 pm (UTC)

You are the sweetest ♥ I am so happy you wrote your ficlet xD If you ever want to chat about writing, let me know!

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 06:29 pm (UTC)

Thanks, hon! :D i might take you up on that!

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lq_traintracks on October 14th, 2014 06:19 pm (UTC)

I'm going to try not to just second everything everyone else has said, but especially eidheann and fire...WORD!

I will say, after 13 years of writing fanfiction, it has gotten easier for me to not only share my work without utter terror (there's still fear, though) but to be able to recognize more often what is and is not working. I say more often because sometimes you just CANNOT TELL, and who knows why that is? Some of the stuff that I now consider my best writing, at the time of sharing it with a beta, I was like, "OMG, does this suck ass or is it good???"

Having an alpha, a beta, or a cheerleader (or all three!) that you trust is so, so, so important. And there are so many great ones of each of those in this fandom!

Sharing your first fanfic with outside eyes is a bit like coming out: it's hardest the first time, but you still end up doing it over and over again throughout your life. There may never be a time when you shoot a story to your beta and smugly announce, "Check this shit OUT! I am the BOMB, right?" LOL. But it really does get easier. <3

As one of these great people said here, the only way to get better is to practice, and the only way you're going to keep practicing is if you do get some outside feedback. You have the right to say that you need someone to be gentle and that you NEED to know what's good and what's working as well as what isn't quite yet. I would say this is very important -- that neither side be completely omitted. It doesn't feel good to get only crit, even for the tough-skinned of us. It's also not all that useful to get only praise, because improvement is a really rewarding process, and getting honest crit and honest squee at the same time means you know you can trust your beta. <3

Grace, I'm so happy for you that you're venturing into this!!! If there's anything I can do, please let me know. :-)

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lq_traintracks on October 14th, 2014 06:27 pm (UTC)

And here's how into the writing I was: I'm only now looking at these SUPER FUCKING HOT GIFS.

GUH!!!

Bless you. <3

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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lq_traintracks on October 14th, 2014 07:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)

torino10154 on October 14th, 2014 07:04 pm (UTC)

I'm kinda doped up after a trip to the dentist LOL but I just wanted to say, Go you!

I think most of us have that inability to judge our own stuff. Or it's harder anyway. Personally, I've stopped being afraid most of the time (it's only taken 7 years LOL) but occasionally I try something new or whatever and do wonder what the reception will be.

Also, you could always start by posting things locked so just people you trust will comment on it. And as others have said, if you aren't really ready for a thorough critique, just say so. If you want gentle suggestions, people can do that, too. If right now what you really need is cheerleading, well, I think you can see we've all got your back. <3

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:35 pm (UTC)

LOL, thanks!! :D

I actually think that the people I am the most nervous about reading my stuff, are actually the people on my f-list. I think because I honestly could care less if some random person on the internet doesn't like my writing, but most of my mutual friend son LJ are talented creators and people whose opinions carry more weight. Of course, you guys are also the ones who'l be th emost supportive, but it's still nerve-wracking.

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capitu on October 14th, 2014 07:06 pm (UTC)

Oh my god! This is so EXCITING!!!!

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:29 pm (UTC)

LOL

If by exciting you mean terrifying and nausea-inducing, then yes, yes it is.

;)

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capitu on October 14th, 2014 07:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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capitu on October 14th, 2014 07:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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lq_traintracks on October 14th, 2014 07:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)

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eidheann_writes on October 14th, 2014 08:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)

nia_kantorka on October 14th, 2014 07:14 pm (UTC)

Grace, congrats for putting your ideas into real stories on paper (as in a file ;p). That's wonderful!

Even if you decide to not share them with one of us, a few of us, or all of us, I do hope you are going to write more. It's creative and fun, and writing only gets better when you, well... write. :D

*hugs*

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:30 pm (UTC)

Thanks, babe! :D

***HUGS BACK***

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digthewriter on October 14th, 2014 07:43 pm (UTC)

And now I have 6 ficlets and I feel super conflicted and vaguely nauseated. How do you guys do this?

♥

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 07:56 pm (UTC)

LOL

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candamira on October 14th, 2014 08:26 pm (UTC)

That's fantastic news! :D

Getting your thoughts out of your brain and squeezing them into the limitedness of sentences and words that are so insufficient to describe the pictures or the film in one's head - that is the first and hardest step (imo).

No matter how you will proceed with these six things, if you had fun writing them, that time was well used and you should do it again :-)!

I agree with all the others who rec a trustworthy and experienced beta to guide you through you indecision. Get those two fresh eyes (I imagine you carrying them home in a formaldehyde-filled jar)!

I'm sure you wrote something worth reading and I really hope I'll be able to read it one day.

*hugs*

Edited at 2014-10-14 08:27 pm (UTC)

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 08:47 pm (UTC)

That is so true! Trying to capture what you have in your head is so difficult!

Thanks, hon!! :D

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noeon on October 14th, 2014 09:49 pm (UTC)

Go! You! Go! You! **\0//**

Go you for getting the words out on the page. Go you for telling the stories and having the courage to start writing *something* down. Go! You!

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gracerene on October 14th, 2014 11:57 pm (UTC)

*blushes*

Thanks, hon! :D

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